The four-day retreat was filled with sharing many personal testimonies, receiving affirmation letters from home, and finding peace through small group and one-on-one discussions. By day three, the teenagers were deeply immersed in the retreat and started opening up about the various crosses they each were carrying. We could see the work of God in each of their hearts as even the most obstinate young men and women were starting to see Christ's presence. For some of them, the victory was found in learning to accept that, perhaps, He does exist after all.
On the evening of the third day, the teenagers were invited to participate in one-on-one discussions with us leaders. We were each scattered throughout a large room, seated with small candles and waiting for the retreatants to approach us. After waiting for a few moments, a sweet girl from my own small group and her friend came and sat down before me. After a few friendly exchanges, she grew serious and shared with me that there was something she was deeply struggling with. When I asked what was going on, she responded with words that left me speechless:
"A few guys from high school raped me, and I'm having a hard time forgiving them."
What on earth do you say to that? How do you possibly address the horrors of what she had to endure, while also answering her seemingly impossible question? How do you help a sixteen year-old girl forgive multiple guys who raped her?
There are no words to give in response. There is no easy solution, because no one should ever have to grapple with such pain. And yet, here she was with a genuine desire to forgive these despicable guys for their unforgiveable act.
She had to face them every day at school. She never received an apology. No justice was ever served. And yet, she wanted to forgive them.
“To love means loving the unlovable.
To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable.
Faith means believing the unbelievable.
Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.”
-G. K. Chesterton
At sixteen years old, this young woman had more faith and courage than anyone I'd ever met. Even the Theology Professors at Notre Dame couldn't hold a candle to her.
Trusting in the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I spoke with her about the mere fact that she had the will to forgive was already incomprehensibly saint-like. We spoke at length about God's peace and healing, about the grace in having true friends like the one at her side, and about the strength and courage her heart already held. Being that this experience happened almost ten years ago, I can't recall exactly what was said, but I do remember being absolutely amazed by the peace and courage she possessed. Not even an unapologetic, careless group of men guilty of one of the worst crimes against humanity could take away her faith, hope, and love. She was not allowing herself to be held captive to their crime.
Many would say that this young woman is wrong in choosing to forgive; that she should stay angry for the sake of her own mental health. I'm sure many would fault my words spoken in that conversation and written here in this blog. How can you forgive something so horrifying? How can you forgive someone who isn't even the least bit sorry? Isn't this just adding more guilt, shame, and burden upon the victim? Is it denying them the outburst and vengeance they deserve, and may even need for their own healing? How can we possibly encourage a rape victim to forgive her perpetrators?
The answer is simple. We forgive because we are forgiven, and because forgiveness is the only way that leads to peace. The Amish community in Nickel Mines, PA figured this out in 2006 when Charles Roberts entered the elementary school and shot ten young girls, killing five and then himself. How could the parents and community members forgive such evil? How could they console his horrified widow, attend his funeral, and even refuse to speak angrily about him?
Forgiving doesn't mean conceding that what happened is okay (if it were, there would be nothing to forgive). It doesn't mean forgetting, either (Jesus never said anything of the sort in Scripture, nor did He simply 'forget' about the whole crucifixion thing). It simply means giving up your right to be angry. Someone has done something wrong, terrible, even evil unto you, but you choose not to let the anger rule and destroy your heart. We pursue justice, we hold the guilty party accountable for their actions, but we do not hold ourselves hostage to anger, hatred, and darkness. To do so would only give the sin a deeper, longer-lasting grip over us. Who then, would truly lose in the end? Those who forgive are they who care more for peace, joy, and accepting the beauty of life, rather than losing it in an ugly sea of dark thoughts, bitter emotions, and vengeful daydreams.
But, lest we think that forgiveness is all about making Number One happy, we need to look no further than the cross to know where the heart of mercy rests. Jesus makes the justice of forgiveness pretty clear in The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant in Matthew 18:21-35:
If Jesus could forgive us after we betrayed, mocked, beat, stripped, and murdered Him; if He could forgive us even in the midst of these atrocities, crying out, "Father, forgive them, for they know now what they do" (Luke 23:34), then what possible exemption could we declare for ourselves?
May we all learn from the holy strength of this young woman and learn to forgive others, even when it seems impossible and the world would justify us for staying trapped in our anger. Indeed, the Resurrection of Christ and the faith of this sweet girl prove that, "Nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37).
Many would say that this young woman is wrong in choosing to forgive; that she should stay angry for the sake of her own mental health. I'm sure many would fault my words spoken in that conversation and written here in this blog. How can you forgive something so horrifying? How can you forgive someone who isn't even the least bit sorry? Isn't this just adding more guilt, shame, and burden upon the victim? Is it denying them the outburst and vengeance they deserve, and may even need for their own healing? How can we possibly encourage a rape victim to forgive her perpetrators?
The answer is simple. We forgive because we are forgiven, and because forgiveness is the only way that leads to peace. The Amish community in Nickel Mines, PA figured this out in 2006 when Charles Roberts entered the elementary school and shot ten young girls, killing five and then himself. How could the parents and community members forgive such evil? How could they console his horrified widow, attend his funeral, and even refuse to speak angrily about him?
Forgiving doesn't mean conceding that what happened is okay (if it were, there would be nothing to forgive). It doesn't mean forgetting, either (Jesus never said anything of the sort in Scripture, nor did He simply 'forget' about the whole crucifixion thing). It simply means giving up your right to be angry. Someone has done something wrong, terrible, even evil unto you, but you choose not to let the anger rule and destroy your heart. We pursue justice, we hold the guilty party accountable for their actions, but we do not hold ourselves hostage to anger, hatred, and darkness. To do so would only give the sin a deeper, longer-lasting grip over us. Who then, would truly lose in the end? Those who forgive are they who care more for peace, joy, and accepting the beauty of life, rather than losing it in an ugly sea of dark thoughts, bitter emotions, and vengeful daydreams.
But, lest we think that forgiveness is all about making Number One happy, we need to look no further than the cross to know where the heart of mercy rests. Jesus makes the justice of forgiveness pretty clear in The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant in Matthew 18:21-35:
"I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to.
Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?"
Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?"
If Jesus could forgive us after we betrayed, mocked, beat, stripped, and murdered Him; if He could forgive us even in the midst of these atrocities, crying out, "Father, forgive them, for they know now what they do" (Luke 23:34), then what possible exemption could we declare for ourselves?
May we all learn from the holy strength of this young woman and learn to forgive others, even when it seems impossible and the world would justify us for staying trapped in our anger. Indeed, the Resurrection of Christ and the faith of this sweet girl prove that, "Nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37).
